sitting, waiting, wishing

2007-01-25T18:14:00.000+08:00

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

2007-01-25T17:02:00.000+08:00

I talk to you as to a friend
I hope that's what you've come to be
It feels as though we've made amends
Like we found a way eventually

It was you who picked the pieces up
When I was a broken soul
And then glued me back together
Returned to me what others stole

I don't wanna hurt you
I don't wanna make you sway
Like I know I've done before
I will not do it anymore
I've always been a dreamer
I've had my head among the clouds
Now that I'm coming down
Won't you be my solid ground?

I look at you and see a friend
I hope that's what you wanna be
Are we back now where it all began
Have you finally forgiven me?

You gathered my dreams in
When they all blew away
And then tricked them back into me
You saved me I was almost dead

2007-01-22T19:12:00.000+08:00

You might be damn pissed to see this right now. But its the only way I could ever communicate. I am sorry for that. It might be a pleasant surprise cause I still do remember every single detail of what you've said. Maybe its just my photographic memory. But thats not the point.

I dont know what changed you but from my point of view, you've changed into a worse person with an unsuitable personality. I still prefer the old you. The old you is far better. Not because I want to make use of you. But its because its the old you that made me fell in love with.

Everything said is too late. Maybe I took it for granted. Maybe I went too far. Maybe I was too much. But nothing matters more than you right now.

"All precious things discovered late,
To those that seek them issue forth.
For love in sequel works with fate,
And draws the veil from hidden worth."

I guess we just ran out of fate.

2007-01-21T00:31:00.000+08:00

When I was young I knew everything
She a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm guilt stricken,
Sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice

I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's
Vacation to forget her
His girl took a weeks's worth of
Valium and slept
And now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his
Head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really
Wept he says

2007-01-08T13:20:00.000+08:00

I shout these words
To those who never listened
I pen this letter with the utmost conviction
It's been dark in here
Cold and relentless
It's been too long
I can no longer fight this
Too late to change my mind
Nothing remains
I've silenced the pain

All these years passed
No one heard my true feelings
You continued to act like you knew me
Did you ever stop to think that I'd be able
To look in your eyes and say that I'm stable?
Too late to change my mind
Nothing remains
I've silenced the pain

Don't tell me, that I am taking the easy way out

2007-01-03T00:35:00.000+08:00

sigh, what do you do if you've fucked up everything, what do you do when someone you love hurts so bad and you can't do anything because you're part of the problem. maybe i should just stop hurting people, just keep to myself. enough with the maybe's already. i should just fucking do it.

2007-01-01T21:08:00.000+08:00

someone please stab me or something cause i feel sooooo bad right now. serves me right for being such a greedy ass and wanting everything. this...is...retarded!

2007-01-01T14:31:00.000+08:00

oh the thought of it just makes me sick, really sick. i try really hard not to think so much, not to worry, but there's always that lingering feeling. sometimes i feel like im just hanging on to my sanity. sigh.

2006-12-23T02:41:00.000+08:00

so its over...once again. hahaha only its different this time. i don't feel bitter or angry. im hurt, i won't lie to you, i hurt really badly inside, but i know in time it will heal. maybe it's cause i saw it coming, i think i've just...grown to know you well. maybe a little too well and thats why you wanted out. once someone can beat you at your own game, their useless. maybe thats why you cried that night, because it was the truth and it hurt. i regret that, i could've said it better, im not proud of myself for it. but hopefully it will make you see things in a new light and learn to grow as a person. then again that's my theory, i'll never know for sure. what i do know is that im not angry, or bitter, nor do i hate you. even though you're seeing someone new. im glad for all the things you have done for me, small or big, things you knew you did, things you are completely unaware of even now. i hope that one day you will find complete happiness. if maybe...one day, you change your mind about me, you'll find that door is open.

2006-12-22T12:14:00.000+08:00

what have i done?? what i have i done? i don't know what there's left to do. i don't even know. life doesn't make sense anymore. i just want to bleed.

2006-12-20T16:31:00.000+08:00

so im bored, and rather...depressed so i thought i'd cheer myself up by thinking about all the things i'd like to have, but will never get for christmas. ladies and gentlemen, here is my christmas wishlist:

1) A Ford Focus St (if you love me as a friend and are rich...prove it.)

2) A sekonic L-558 cine light meter

3) Nice Panasonic monitor headphones

4) Socks

5) you.

2006-12-19T00:12:00.000+08:00

I just got the news today you were dying
Hot damn! we're already partying
But please, before you have to leave
Let me tell you a few last things

Get one thing straight from the get go
I truly don't give a fuck about you
I never have and I never will
Each day you breathe it's more time to kill

2006-12-18T23:31:00.000+08:00

just stick a knife in me and call it art.

2006-12-17T11:26:00.000+08:00

its hurts so bad, i wish you knew. i didn't mean for things to become like this. i don't want things to be like this at all. but im not sure you can give me what i want, and im not sure i can give you what you want. this is always difficult. and im so sorry and i miss you so, but i have to fight it. sigh.

2006-12-15T23:48:00.000+08:00

wheee, it's been really rough this past few days. But things could be worse, ikea is fun, i love ikea, im loving scented candles even more. They have these wicked cool brownie scented candle. god, the thought just makes me drool. hahaha. and courts....well courts is just a RIP OFF.......i've got a lurvely bunch of coconuts. ding-a-ly-ding

2006-12-13T13:05:00.000+08:00

wow wow whee wow! last night was....amazing. it was crazy, it was spectacular it was unbelievable. im on a high because of that. not worrying so much about...erm other things. thats was so fun. i'd love to do it again.

2006-12-12T03:28:00.000+08:00

wow, it's been a really rough night, i've pretty much exprienced every emotion there is to exprience. it's been crazy. im just really glad you've been here with me through it all. im really touched by your friendship. Sigh, tmr will be a new day, with new challenges but after tonight, i feel like im ready to take it on. =)

2006-12-08T22:38:00.000+08:00

im now listening to the (so called) best 5 driving songs(according to one top gear). how fun, how fun, please come back from china soon. i don't know why but i suddenly miss talking to you. how...sad. oh wells.

-Edit: ok i don't really miss china girl that much, im miss singapore girl alot more. and singapore girl is much lovelier and prettier than china girl and i love her so (singapore girl that is).

2006-12-08T14:32:00.000+08:00

why wont you answer?!? why?!? it's driving me nuts....i am nuts....im going insane. i don't know what to do. borderline suicidal.

2006-12-06T12:50:00.000+08:00

The Boy Next Door
Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDm)

Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You're looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it's sweet.

We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you've had some things not work out before, so what.

Your exact opposite:
The 5-Night Stand

Deliberate Brutal Sex Master

On paper, most girls would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you're often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You're the typical "nice guy:" without just a touch of cockiness, you're doomed with girls. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold.

More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Nymph

CONSIDER: The Maid of Honor, The Peach

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.

2006-12-05T21:21:00.000+08:00

i don't know im feeling rather dejected now. sigh, listening to bloc partyy which always makes me think of......july. =) july...sigh that was a nice month. anyways...its time of the year again, it's raining, the lights, the sights, the pretty decorations, the smell of something roasting, the carols on the pa system, heartbreak....yes it's christmas again.

2006-12-04T21:54:00.000+08:00

i feel so sick, i don't know what to do. i just want to throw up...run away...tear the skin from my bones. i feel like crying, i feel like dieing im so so so confused. i hate myself, i hate myself so much right now. sigh...i just don't know what to do.

2006-12-03T23:54:00.000+08:00

bleed for me, i've bled for you.

2006-12-02T21:58:00.001+08:00

Can we still be saved?
Does your God hold a place for us?
Is there time to repent?
Will we rise from the dead?
Can these sins even be forgiven?
Is there still hope for us?
Were we ever even alive?
Is any of this even real?

Hell no.

2006-12-02T21:52:00.000+08:00

im sick....this sickness has never left me, moments when i thought i was healed...was purified. i think i can see everything..keep convincing myself there's nothing wrong. it just grows, festers, breeds. it's just a matter of time before i lose control. this must end now. this must end now.

2006-11-27T15:24:00.000+08:00

so it was my birthday on friday, it was an interesting day. yup...erm...this is how it went. i had a shoot on, for salawati and so i went to work. it was a normal shoot day...actually it was quite rainy at first and my shoes got wet so i was walking around with soggy feet all day. and then we went to all these different locations..blah blah blah...the shoot was over. just as we were about to head back to sg, the guys brought out a birthday cake for me, which was very nice. it was kind of rushed and all cause people wanted to go home but it was still really nice. =) thanks guys. Then after that i headed to pasir ris where i met, danana, ryl and niq. and we then proceeded to swensens at the airport. where we had food and everything, and then i went to the loo for a bit and when i came back this guy brought out ice cream with a candle on it and a cake with a candle. and suddenly 3 waiters plus the manager appear out of nowhere and start singing me a birthday song. and everyone was staring at me. so of course i was blushing like a baboon but it was still good fun. after the whole jing bang where i got forced to eat the slice of cake(after a steak and rodeo wings{bleah}), we went home on a bus which had shifty seats. i then went home to find 2 drum mags, a slayer cd and 50 bucks on my bed....sweet. so thats the story of my birthday. whee...didn't get many presents...but at least this year some people remembered and thank you for that.

2006-11-16T00:21:00.000+08:00

This blog is dead....in other news, my birthday is in....erm....8 days time. So yes, gather round the guys, get all dressed up, and come on down cause we're having...an interim presentation..yay.

2006-10-23T00:45:00.000+08:00

i just feel like running into a wall........i just feel like running into a wall.........repetition........repetition......sonic aggression........repetition........redundent.....repetitive..............i just want to run into a wall......watch....it.....all......fall.......away.............end

2006-10-17T01:30:00.000+08:00

sigh, i think this blog can be abandoned. haha. so.....hm....whats new? i don't know.....i don't know. don't ask me, i don't know!! wheeeeeeeee. im awfully bad at handling bad situations...thats ironic isn't it? cause it means i just make bad situations....well badder. ooooooooo.

2006-10-07T21:27:00.000+08:00

I need to concentrate...i can't afford to be like this anymore. i have to let go. things have changed....i don't know what i want anymore..sometimes i just feel like smacking myself...i should make up my mind....i have made up my mind...haven't i?

2006-09-28T23:56:00.000+08:00

wow it's been an interesting 3 days. was on shoot and last night or this morning i got home at like 6 am. so yeah...im still trippin. its was really fun though, got to talk to alot of interesting people. learn abit more about my trade, im kind of psyched up now. Cuba? my parents said no...but i don't care. i think it'd be really really cool. imagine me in a chevy....sick.

2006-09-25T11:28:00.000+08:00

Just had the weirdest dream....i don't know what i want from life anymore. hope i have a good day today. wheee

2006-09-21T22:40:00.000+08:00

Sigh, i don't know why but i feel apprehensive about tmr, nervous you know? im not sure why. cause it's not like anything is happening, but maybe im just abit shaken or something. it's quite silly actually. i shouldn't be cause REALLY its just painting and dinner tmr, so yeah. why am i nervous?? i think it's got to do with money woes....sigh...money....there never seems to be enough to go around. haha!

2006-09-17T13:26:00.000+08:00

wheeeee p3 is over, and unlike some other people who will...erm..comment about how their p3 went...good or bad, im not going to worry about it because i think that is beyond me. so anyways...now that we are free from this evil spell lets all go do something fun! i'd like to see salvator dalis exhibit, but me being me the thing i'd REALLY like to do, is go down to CHIN HUAT(hell yeah!) for a meal with everyone(that means you IMD) so anyways, im going to be trying to start an initiative to do so, any helop will be apprieciated.

2006-09-14T01:07:00.000+08:00

what a strange day....a really really strange night..so weird. and tiring. hah. my legs feel so liberated...you must see.

2006-09-09T22:02:00.000+08:00

Sigh....i haven't been blogging i know. i have alot to blog about actually, just that i can't blog about it for whatever reasons but yes....nothing much has really been happening in my life...it's normal as usual i guess. (ok thats all a lie but yeah) .HAHA!

2006-09-05T23:55:00.000+08:00

wanna blog, wanna blog, wanna blog. I WANT SACRAMENT! ROOOOOOAR

2006-09-04T21:54:00.000+08:00

Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward. Whoever cannot take care of themself without that law is both. For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "If I live I will kill you, if I die you are forgiven". Such is the Rule of Honor.

RIP steve, you were the epitomy of a mate. You have touched generations of people and hopefully we will finally take action and fight the good fight. you have shown us much and it is time that we give back and save ourselves. RIP steve, RIP

2006-09-01T21:58:00.000+08:00

BAGUETTE! hahahaha anyways.....hmm....hmmm.......i don't know what to blog about.......BAGUETTE!

2006-08-31T22:57:00.000+08:00

FIRST KISS FIRST KISS....STOKED....RIGHT....SOrry.....bye.

2006-08-31T00:12:00.000+08:00

Just when i have become an elligible candidate, i don't want to go through with it. how ironic

2006-08-29T23:26:00.000+08:00

Im angry and im not afraid to show it. what im angry about is....well...nothing actually but im angry. anyways long story short...i have an attitude problem and i know it, how im ever going to survive in life i'll never know but i do know this. he who stands on the tallest pile of skulls sees furthest. hahahaha thats the stupidest quote ever! wheeeeee

2006-08-26T23:37:00.000+08:00

im in one of those moods where i feel like smacking everyone with a 2 by 4.....sigh, i dislike these moods intensely and try to avoid them and yet i love the taste of self destruction. i think i should really go see a shrink or something. i need to fix this problem....permanently.

2006-08-24T23:26:00.000+08:00

I haven't forgotten about you, i don't think i will. The dream isn't over.

2006-08-22T23:55:00.000+08:00

the world would be a better place if everyone just listened to buddha and followed the path.

2006-08-22T07:56:00.000+08:00

Apples or oranges?!?

2006-08-20T00:57:00.000+08:00

I can't believe i did it, i guess this means i have to keep on doing stuff like this in the future. Damn talk about raising expectations. what a silly thing to do...and it was all yellow...oh sorry wrong topic. so erm....now is the...er...harder bit...getting you to go out with me. Yes i know you are reading this which is why im bringing this topic up. hah. im so busy it's sad, but on the upside, once this whole shoot thing is over, i should be pretty free. yes, and then i will devote my time to other....erm....activities(if you know what i mean). is this tongue in cheek enough? i hope so....hahaha

2006-08-19T00:07:00.000+08:00

its almost eerie how this is so similiar to what happened in sec 3. albeit i shouldn't really be drawing parallels to that...er..situation, but the similiarity is striking. anyways for those of you who weren't there when it happened(all of you, this blog didn't exist yet) here is a comprehensive diagram of what happened, however names have been censored to protect the identity of partys invovled.

<---?---- <---?---
A ---?---> B ---?---> C

good luck making sense of that! haha

2006-08-17T01:10:00.000+08:00

i can't believe its still going on........my only hope right now is saturday...but even that looks cloudy.....oh boy....i want to go back to SG, i miss the total...blank out mentality, where im just concentrating on what i want to do and not all the unnecessary stuff. where there is focus. there are too many distractions...and im getting distracted. i have to stop instigating stuff. this ends now.

2006-08-15T20:20:00.000+08:00

once again, im tired and emo....i almost lost my cool today...ok i acutally did, it was stupid of me, but i really don't know how much longer i can take this. @#($&%(@#$&*%(@*&$^%(*@&#^%(*@#&%^

2006-08-15T00:40:00.000+08:00

Long day, tired hans....must sleep....must sleep.....must sleep....must finish work.....must sleep....mus...t....s..........l..............e....................

2006-08-14T00:35:00.000+08:00

So lately, i've been having this urge to run into a wall...i mean its nothing angst ridden or anything, i just feel like doing it. after what adrian told me, more so than ever, but i shouldn't worry about it, because it's not my problem. anyways today's shoot was super fun....ok maybe not super, but it was fun! got to work with uncle rahman once again. that was just....well magic. and then getting to meet all these people and just relive the memories, wicked cool. sigh, i'll never understand certain people. bunch of childish, small minded, stupid.....roar theres no point bitching about this. just open your eyes people seriously! YOU are the ones who are being tricked. OPEN YOUR FRIGGIN EYES

2006-08-12T18:35:00.000+08:00

so im watching this movie about this guy who is with this girl for like 6 years and he's afraid to commit and the girl meets this new guy and something something something something something something. i feel like just curling up in a ball and lying in a corner, but i know that if i did people would come along and start prodding me with poles. ok it's metaphorical. im tired out of my wits. im sleepy and i __________ yes, i ____________. pls cut me some slack....hah the story of my life.

2006-08-11T01:29:00.000+08:00

let me start off this entry by saying someone is in &^*#$&^ing trouble and no it isn't me. if i find out who you are.....well....we'll see what happens. anyways now i feel like stabbing myself for completely different reasons from yesterdays....actually i don't feel like going to school, i just want to hide at home. but p3 is calling and EP will kill me if i don't turn up and i don't want to piss off EP even though EP is likely to be the one who will get killed. hah good luck figuring that one out.

2006-08-10T00:52:00.000+08:00

there are points in my day where i feel like practicing sepukku. i am at one such point right now...i just imagine myself grasping that tanto, or wakizashi and well......the rest is history. i think im going to give up....i feel like im just kidding myself. sad but true. such is life.

2006-08-09T22:59:00.000+08:00

By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light pretending
That it somehow lingered on

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
Well it won't and it won't because it can't
It just can't

2006-08-08T01:56:00.000+08:00

you know sometimes in life, you feel like you are climbing a really steep mountain. and sometimes you just feel like you want to let go and give up because it's so hard. and sometimes you just fight your way to the top because you are determined. then there are the other times where you just feel like smacking your head against the hard rock till you're bleeding from the skull and your medula oblongata is poking through. i feel like the last one right now. hopefully i'll still be sane enough to keep climbing.

2006-08-08T00:56:00.000+08:00

soooo today was a long-ish day, went back down to the workplace, was f-ing fantastic, i miss all the guys and stuff. im dying to get out of school.....i mean just being close to the arri-sr3....wicked stuff. anyways, for those of you who don't know, i got a hair-cut! yes i did....so yeah. i pretty much look like chopped liver(i.e. not much difference from before). and...er.....hm.....what else....p3 seems alright. but so far, so good........so what? sorry that's a megadeth album. sigh...i think i have run out of...originality, i can't seem to compose phrases in my head anymore...i just feel like im ripping stuff off from somewhere. its the same old, same old........so yesh....im sitting, waiting, wishing.

2006-08-07T01:12:00.000+08:00

it's kind of sad that one of the songs i like the most(which is feel is most beautiful) is about a goldfish named penelope. ok i know it sounds lame but i think i'ts beautiful, here's a line from the song by pinback :

I’m treading water with my oars
Glass galeons anchored, oceans floor
I’m diving down with all my gear
In search of treasure, para mi corazon

i don't know, it just conjures up these images for me. it's soooo magical almost. and the music rocks too....ok not rocks...but it's just...just go listen to the song...........take you to the forest, let you feel the raindrops falling down.

2006-08-06T17:37:00.000+08:00

So what would you do? if you were in my situation? would you give up and run and try to hide. or would you try to hang on. is the juice worth the squeeze? i have no idea what im going on about..

2006-08-06T00:01:00.000+08:00

It's been a hard days night, and i've been working like a dog, ok i haven't really been working THAT hard but yes. so anyways i was kind of emo last night...kind of retarded but whatever. i don't really feel like blogging anymore....it's just so tiresome. listening to bloc party....now it always reminds me of....it's so electronic...yet so beautiful....repetition...sequence...repetition....this isn't working.

2006-08-05T00:36:00.000+08:00

suddenly im in a very log type mode. im listening to log, which is well...a pretty good indicator of my mood. sigh...i don't what else to say. haha such is life i guess, just got to concentrate on the good. right chris?

2006-08-04T23:32:00.000+08:00

Today has been a long...strange...very strange day..but it's been good and i've been enjoying it. it started off on a bad-ish note...i was kind of bummed for awhile but i soon cheered up, so then i went to school, did the usual p3 thing, im telling you, our EP is the bestest. Super big props to him. then...erm....yeah walked around with chris talking about his situation and trying to cheer him up, then went down to the canteen and bummed around. Abel has started playing this new game called kongkong, and it's....well it looks super fun and it's really funny. a bunch of IMD-ers were watching like commentating, and it was fun. haha

2006-08-02T22:30:00.000+08:00

oh man, i feel like crap now, im soooo nervous and shit. i don't know how im gonna last tmr. i just feel like throwing up and everytime i see a car with a P plate, i freak even more. to make matters worse, i think i just shot myself in the foot. fortunately im so freaking worried about friday that im not too concerned about this other matter right now, i pray that i will calm down and not worry anymore.

2006-08-02T17:54:00.000+08:00

So im thinking about getting my hair cut, so tag your votes on whether i should or not.

2006-08-01T22:25:00.000+08:00

sigh, today has been an emotional roller coaster. it's been tiring and rough and i am tired and roughed up. i can't believe this is coming back to haunt me. i need to learn that i can't save everyone, that it's not my place in life to save everyone. i don't know what im talking about. i would just like to curl up in a ball and hide away from the world for awhile. i must be insane to do this...

2006-08-01T01:14:00.000+08:00

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a colour that I associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory about you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
8. You must post this on yours.

ok done....there....right now i feel like shooting myself in my head cause of p3. seriously i still think the 23 min vid of me beating myself up is viable. screw the chocolates and the bus rides and the dead people. beating yourself up is the way to go!

2006-07-30T20:36:00.000+08:00

it's been an interesting day...well kind of. there's stuff i wanted to blog about but i completely forgot....rats...think...think..think.....rewind the mental film....hahaha. no im still drawing a blank. roar.....ok....it just hit me...no, not what i was trying to remember but something else. you know how you start doing something and then half way through you get this feeling that it's wrong and you shouldn't be doing it, i just had that feeling. liek a premonition of bad things....i feel like i've had an epiphany of sorts.....i really need to sober up.

2006-07-29T09:55:00.000+08:00

so i just had another very very strange dream, it was a play of my fair lady and for some reason i got forced to audition for the part of eliza doolittle. hahahaha i know it sounds really gay and shit but it was kind of interesting...anyways now i really feel like watching the film. anyways the feeling is fading which is kind of good...but kind of sad as well....once again i'll have to wait awhile and see what happens...

2006-07-28T23:51:00.000+08:00

i think im in trouble. part of me doesn't want any of this...but another bit does....very intensely. i guess time will tell what will happen. anyways i think my mom kind of lost it today...not in the angry sense...she pointed at my macbookrpo box and asked what it was and whether i had bought something new. this aside from the fact that she had paid 3000+ for the macbook and that a picture of the macbook was on the side of the box. ok...it doesn't seem that funny when i wrote it down, seems funnier in my thoughts...you know it's weird when you read chat logs...cause everything seems to happen so fast....like people talk real fast and everything cause you don't have the awkard pauses that happen when you are actually chatting. i also realised that it's not a great idea to chat and try to join in a discussion at the same time cause then you end up saying stupid things and/or miss out points which the other person(the one you are chatting to) says. i must pay more attention. concentrate....concentrate....think of the glory and the blonds.

2006-07-27T23:32:00.000+08:00

So i had a nice day today! yay, in fact im still kind of....floating from the whole thing. but i havea feeling i will be "hungover" tmr so better stay out of my way. hehehe. so yes what happened? well it was King Christophers birthday, so we went to watch a movie, we watched the lake house which freaking rocks...it gets kind of emo but it's still....cool. yeah. went to yamaha music store and it was great(for some strange reason) but i don't know....i feel really light and stuff and happy, i don't know why, but i have a feeling it will be shortlived, well till tmr then.

2006-07-26T20:55:00.000+08:00

so today started off preety badly. i mean i had the nice dreams, and having nice dreams normally means you wake up somewhat unhappy because you don't want to get detached from the dream but anyways, i then set off for school. and then POW i was hit like super hard with the whole im depressed, im emo just leave me alone thing. and so i kind of disappeared for awhile and just walked around(which really helps) and then i went to the studio and bummed around and played bf 2. and then we decided to start discussing ideas for p3(i keep thinking p2 cause of Panasonic) and i just...kind of got....turned on(not that way) but i just completely forgot about my depression(which still didn't really have a reason) and then i kind of got into it and had fun, and then the moment came right before we were supposed to talk to Jeff and then BAM we had THE idea and it was...like....everyone in the group got excited(which we felt was really important) and everyone started to like it and it was great(just thinking about it makes me happy) and so we settled on it. I don't know if this will get us into project pilot but i know that i really want to make this video and look forward to it. anyways after that we had the HD thingy, which was fun but what really rocked was seeing uncle seb again and it just brought back memories and everything and it was great. what also rocked was april asking to help in the remain bit of the shoot for becoming royston and i really look forward to really getting back into that whole mindset. i think it's gonna be great. now if only i could get you to shared this joy with me.....things would be alot better. haha.

2006-07-26T09:51:00.000+08:00

i always try to blog after i have strange dreams, i don't know why, but it kind of helps me remember the dream i guess. but anyways i have a strange dream again. it involved..communists, nuclear power, swimming, a like mountainy place, and a couple of people from imd. oh it also involved iPods, and macbookpros...well laptop's actually. don't ask me how it all fits together, i don't really know, it's a weird dream remember? but i had some....er...interesting things happen to me in the dream, anyways i skipped comda this morning, cause our lecturer isn't in and Bina seems to suck the life out of the class and it seems like comda gets me down anyways, another useless subject which you'd probably never need to use. anyways the dream ended out rather happy...well...its actually didn't really end happily since i got woken up before it finished, but it was happy while it lasted....sort of happy anyways. right what on earth am i blabbering on about. i'd better get ready for school.

2006-07-25T18:48:00.000+08:00

well...today wasn't a good day, in other words i felt kind of depressed today. i don't know why, it started off normal i supposed but in comda i just suddenly had this feeling of wanting to be somewhere else, wanting to be someone else, far from everything and everyone. and then there was p3 which just kind of made me forget about it for awhile and then after it just hit me really bad and i was just so....depressed. sigh, i don't think it's gonna get any better today, hopefully it will.....but then again i've kind of given on hope. it's time i stopped believing and just started doing.

2006-07-24T23:06:00.000+08:00

Tim sent me a link for lyrics of this Ikea song, it's pretty hilarious, but we all love you Ikea, we all jest but we still love you. anyways today is monday, you know i completely forgot that i was gonna see you today, i mean im kind of amazed i did forget since it's pretty much the only day that i do see you, but yes, i did see you and for a brief(albeit very) i was somewhat happy...and then it kind of struck me that i probably wouldn't talk to you(which of course i didn't) and the whole futility of the situation once again made itself clear. is futility a word? i have no idea....

i never meant to run and hide, i just didn;t think it was time for you to know.

2006-07-23T17:59:00.000+08:00

Just for the people who didn't get it, yesterday or rather last nights post had a severly sarcastic overtone, so yes, go re-read it and then it will make sense. oh except the part about glenn lending us his stuff. that wasn't sarcasm. hah

2006-07-22T23:02:00.000+08:00

First of all, i would like to thank all the people who came down for the gig, ESP the imd guys cause i know you all are so busy and stuff but to take time off and come down and support my band and all the other bands AND MOST IMPORTANTLY to pay 5 bucks for charity. You guys are greatest. For those who turned up, the gig was good, we played a good set and im really satisfied with everything, but alot of bad things happened after the gig itself and right now im kind of pissed. im stinky,im emo, my dad's pissed with me, my mom's pissed with me, i haven't eaten in 24hours and i have to wake up early tmr. i really don't want to rant so much but im just frustrated....i think i've decided to go for bassfish's thing tmr, they deserve our(my band is going) support after glenn generously lent us his guitar. So now i have to face you as well tmr. whoopie..

2006-07-21T23:51:00.000+08:00

Ok i know this post is like super fast after the last one(cause the same ava song is still playing) but i just wanted to say that i feel like crying....well either it's cause im super tired and sleepy or because i just read a super sweet testimonial on friendster(it wasn't written for or by me) but it was super sweet. why can't things be that way? damn...

2006-07-21T23:40:00.000+08:00

So today was like a super long day, but it was fruitful....for me at least. haha. so anyways, my band is playing tmr at this gig at st pats, it starts at 6 , Ronin is playing, tix cost $5 cause it's for charity. i know alot of you people can't come but yeah if you can please just turn up and pay the ticket even if you can't be bothered to watch my band cause it's for charity. yeah and for those who don't know bassfish will be playing on sunday at 4( i think it's 4) at wheelock place at this tapestry thingy. Do check them out if you haven't already, i'd like to go, but i can't cause of certain reasons...or should i say reason *cough cough*. haha i can't believe im making fun of this but yeah. im kind of looking for a (imd)senior to act in my FYP and if any of you would like to step up to this task, please approach me(i'd rather have males but females are welcome). ok now i need to get some sleep. AVA f-ing rocks man. Im liking like 4 out of 5 songs from their EP. GO buy it. DO IT....DO IT.....NO..DO IT....

2006-07-20T11:19:00.000+08:00

i just woke up from a really really strange dream. and now im listening to maidens dream of mirrors and it makes perfect sense. But anyways my dream involved guerilla soldiers, Che Guevara(who was very nice to me) and a jungle(duh). yes, it was a very strange dream. Sigh....it had alot of other strange elements inside as well which i wont elaborate on. So anyways im reading all this stuff now about religion, pretty much been deglecting my brain for a while so im making up for it now. and hopefully i'll see something. haha once again i find myself looking at these people i know...and wondering whether i really can rely on them. and once again im struck with the realisation that only a few will be there while the rest just pretend for kicks. just one of those things im getting used to. what a cold world we live in...

2006-07-18T23:40:00.000+08:00

So we had our like first audition today. and it was quite pressurising cause you knew everyone was listening and for some reason everyone thought highly of me. and then...i CHOKED, yes i choked, im really upset about it....to the point that im makign sure i practice every night till the gig. but besides that, everything else was gooood and we got in....i think.....they are supposed to confirm with us tmr.

2006-07-17T22:47:00.000+08:00

today i realised something, i can't be interested anymore(sorry kat....haha).i just realised it probably would end up in the whole, different backgrounds, different viewpoints thing and only that if i could get pass the intially hi how are you thing. at least the thing with being interested is that im not emotionally attached so i can't really give a hoot. (HOOT!) so i got the AVA ep and i must say that i quite like it, even though it may not seem like my kind of thing. but it seems it is. pity i didn't know more about them before bay beats or i would've been moshing and probably would've gotten headlocked out. hah. i think they should build an enormous glass dome over the whole of Singapore and make it air-conditioned. it's just too darn hot. rainy season, where are you?!?

2006-07-14T23:33:00.000+08:00

wow, today was a stranged day. it started off good, really good in fact, but somehow right now i feel quite defeated. I don't know why you should be disappointed in me, i wish you could understand and see things my way. but i guess life is such. I just hope that this doesn't affect things between us. I have always respected you and looked up to you, and im grateful for the open doors you pointed out to me. i hope we can come to an understanding. and right now my macbook seems to have some issues, so i have to take it in on monday, which bombs big time, but i guess i have no real choice, better now than later. sigh.....at least the sun will shine tmr. cause you're the one i love

2006-07-14T00:52:00.000+08:00

I can't sleep, cause i thought about driving and then i began to panic.....this is SOOO not cool.

2006-07-13T23:33:00.000+08:00

I had a hilarious day today. for some reason i was laughing like mad, and pretty much laughed at everything that was said. i laughed till the point where i was super light headed like this close (___________) to hallucinating. and untill now im not sure why. I think i was just super excited to be at the science center. I think science excites me. learning excites me, especially when it's about things i love to do. so yeah the whole omni-max thing was really interesting and cool. yeah HD...well...its not all what it seems to be. So lets just stick to film....good ole' film. You are the bluest light.

2006-07-12T22:55:00.000+08:00

I have d/led this keane song, the one used for the lake house's trailer. and i must say, i am liking it very much, actualyl i quite like keane, but i don't really listen to them very much(in fact hardly). But right now im having a bloc party! haha i really like the song this modern love, i think it just sounds so.....i don't know how to describe but im pretty sure my music taste is changing like mad. i think it's become quite evident. yeah, so thats pretty much my update for the day....boy do i need to get a life. This modern love, breaks me.

2006-07-11T23:41:00.000+08:00

Today is a good-ish day. why? cause i finally have the idea for my FYP and for once alfie didn't make me re-think about it and im really satisfied with it. Unfortunately right now i feel somewhat melancholy and tired, but im sure i'll be better tmr. I want to watch the lake house, it looks like such a great movie and the cinematography looks great too. i have a feeling i would cry if i watched the movie, which is a big deal since i don't really cry at movies. but maybe this is cause im changing. the other day i was watching live8 and i started tearing cause it was so moving. but then i "woke" up and stopped. when i saw the trailer i already felt like crying. so strange.now im listening to weird electronica angular not so generic, generic pop. whoopie for me. haha

2006-07-10T23:37:00.000+08:00

you know sometimes you step back and look at your life and say this can't be me....this is not the life i wanted. Everything was supposed to be different, and it's almost a complete opposite of who you are and everything you believe in. but sometimes.....it's good. like i never envisioned myself...being so into the whole cinematographic thing and now im here and im loving it. then again there some stuff in my life i could really do without. but it's all a matter of blocking out the negative and embracing the position. one step at a time.

2006-07-09T23:58:00.000+08:00

I suddenly have this urge to go for mass.....i don't know but there something comforting about it. Maybe it's because im an outsider yet i feel....like an insider...haha i kind of looked forward to it during that church camp thingy, but anyways! in a total twist of...well....twist of something i have decided to try and traverse the Path. yeah it was somewhat official, after alot of thinking and after finally just telling tim without really thinking made me realise that i may already be on it and hopefully will get to my destination. yesh, so wish me luck and maybe some of you will join my on the Path. oh...if you guys like bassfish, i found this band that kind of reminds me of them(minus the british accent) it's called Bloc party and the drummer is actually a malaysian guy called Matt Tong. cool..

2006-07-09T00:17:00.000+08:00

Whoohoo! this is a historic post! why? because its the 374th post! isn't that a great achievement. *cue streamers and confetti* whoopie! anyways...today was an interesting day cause we went down to autobacs! yes autobacs! and it was.....well an eye-opener. it was just great to be in the midst of all this great auto parts and stuff, i was like a kid in a toy shop wandering around being in awe of all of the stuff, dropping technical tips so the people would give me street cred(apart from the fact that i don't even have a license) but yes, it was great! and then....i went(with my parents) to watch the mistress of spices and it was actually pretty alright. the cinematography was really good, so check it out if you are into cinematography. on another note...i found my sisters blog...well actually she gave me the ad. its www.****************** ok she told me not to link it(don't ask me why) so in keeping with this whole confidential thing, i wont disclose it's location(not as if you really cared anyways) but its kind of interesting to read her blog cause...well....when i read it, it doesn't seem like it's my sister writing....it seems like someone else. and maybe to her my blog is like that as well...so the big question is....are our blogs accurate reflections of who we are? or do they actually portray the inner us...the true us without the facade, or do we put up a facade in our blogs so that people think thats the real inner us, when it actually isn't at all....if you're not confused by the above statements, please do think about it, and leave a note on the tag board(i guess that means no will tag). till the next blog...ta-ra!

2006-07-08T00:08:00.000+08:00

The world is my expense, the cost of my desire, Jesus blessed me with it's future and i protect it with fire.

So today was an interesting day....ok so it really wasnt'....well it was depending on how you look at it. anyways, i discovered some secret(ok not so secret) places of the school library. and...erm...what other interesting things did i do? ooh...i arranged chairs...nice....

2006-07-06T23:58:00.000+08:00

So here is the second installment. i got tagged by ingrid, and anyways i actually didn't have anytihng more to talk about. haha

Golden Rules:
1. Do the following WITHOUT complaint.
2. Choose 5 person to do this after you completed yours.
3. Leave a tag on the person's tagboard to say he/she have been tagged.
4. Start your post with "I have been tagged!" then do this.

Your 10 Favourites
Favourite Colour: black,white,red
Favourite Food: anything
Favourite Song: nil
Favourite Movie: 7 years in tibet
Favourite Sport: skating
Favourite Season: anything thats not hot
Favourite Day of the Week: nil
Favourite Ice Cream Flavour: who cares? it's ice cream!
Favourite Book: erm...i like treasure island,and sophies world, but no all time favorites
Favourite anime/cartoon: The Simpsons

Currents
Current mood: sleepy
Current clothes: clothes
Current desktop: some photo i took
Current toe nail colour: normal
Current time: 2357
Current Annoyance(s): sleepiness
Current thought: i want to sleep
Current girlfriend/boyfriend: ghost
Current book you are reading: What the buddha taught, W.Rahula

Firsts
First Best Friend: No clue
First Crush: no idea
First Movie: could've been beauty and the beast.
First piercing: none
First lie: never
First music: no cigar
First car: a toyota altis
First handphone: some motorola crap

Lasts
Last cigarette: this morning
Last drink: right now
Last car ride: this morning
Last crush: kat
Last movie seen: erm....erm....Perth
Last phone call: linus
Last CD played: killedelphia - LOG

Have You Evers
Have you ever dated one of you best friends: no, i have this strange feeling i've done this before
Have you ever broken the law: yes
Have you ever been arrested: yes
Have you ever skinny-dipped: no
Have you ever been on TV: yes
Have you ever kissed someone you didn't know:no .ok i've definitely done this before

5 Things You Are Wearing:
1S
2K
3I
4N
5.

4 Things You Have Done Today:
1. this survey(again!)
2. breathed
3. drums
4. guitar

3 Things You Can Hear Right Now:
1. Chemical brothers(im getting into electronica for some strange reason)
2. keyboard
3. the voices in my head

2 Things You Can't Live Without:
1. Air
2. Right now it feels like sleep

4 Things You Do When You Are Bored:
1. listen to music and stare into space
2. think
3. think
4. sleep

5 People I Tagged to Do This:
1. you
2. her
3. him
4. they
5. and...oh yes...it.

2006-07-06T17:13:00.000+08:00

Mr Anchor, assure me, that bagdad is burning.

So yesterday was a long day. which culminated with me, standing on some road in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night, next to a dead rat, trying to catch a cab. but long and ardous as the day was, it was fruitful. yes, fruitful.....i could do with some jujyfruit now....anyways...on a totally seperate unrelated matter.....wait i ran out of stuff to say.....we'll be back after this short break.

2006-07-04T00:32:00.000+08:00

oh man. reading about religion is soooo confusing. first of all just the amount of religions is confusing. I mean if you consider the five main world religions, it might seem simple. Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism and Buddhism(which i don't consider a religion). Each one has their texts(Christianity the Bible, Judaism the Torah, Islam the Quran, Hinduism several, amongst which the bhavaghad gita and lastly Buddhism which has several too, the Dhammpada one of the them) so technically, if you read these great scriptures, and of course understand them, you should be getting somewhere. but here lies the first of your(or my) problems. it takes days to understand stuff because it's either written in a way which is so....well....befuddling, or the concepts require time for understanding. But ok lets say you've read them all and understood them all, now you've got to streamline these beliefs for each religions sub-groups. yes sub-groups, i don't really understand how they have sub-groups but all of these religions do. Christianity has 33,000 sub-groups. Hinduism has 330,000,000 gods. YES THAT'S 330 MILLION gods. Buddhism has 2 main sub groups which breaks down into goodness knows how many other sub-groups. GEEZ. this is gonna take forever. well as Buddha said: the greatest prayer is patience. and that makes alot of sense to me.

2006-07-03T21:28:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning feeling very....maybe this is the wrong choice of words, but suicidal. i had this really bad dream. i was in a war torn country or something and well you can imagine what it was like. but anyways i went to school after that and cheered up. cause its school and school is fun. actually im feeling kinda low right now. but the feeling is only temporary. you know it's scary how some people change. i never realised you could be so nasty. but i guess thats the way the world works. and you were the perfect image, even now i still feel like my future wife(if ever) should be like you, even though it's been 3 years since i last saw you and we barely talk nowadays. you have always been the....image, even though i never really had a chance. it's kind of amusing. life is amusing.

2006-07-02T23:03:00.000+08:00

so the recurring dream is still recurring, actually this mornings manifestation was probably the most exhuberent yet. yesh its getting somewhat anoyying but there isn't much i can do about it, so i might as well enjoy the ride. haha. anyways music class tmr, im looking forward to it cause what's happening is we are burning cds with 3-5 songs inside which we feel that best represent us and then we will mix up the cds and take someone elses and figure out who it belongs to. so i have already decided on my songs and here they are:

Lamb of God - Now you've got something to die for
John Mayer - No such thing
Iron Maiden - Wildest Dreams
Rage against the machine - Guerilla radio
Burn the priest - Bloodletting

yeah, im pretty sure the person who gets it will be confused. or maybe not, you tell me. i think it's funny that i've apologised. you may be forgiven, but im not. tough.

2006-06-30T23:34:00.000+08:00

today was an interesting day. acting class was rather fun. we just did abit of impersonation, just for practice and stuff. we made a list(or rather alfie) of 20 people and then we first selected who to imitate and then someone would select for us. i chose to do kee jian and then philo picked ing2 for me to imitate. honourable mentions for dharni who did a rather good chow, and to philo who did an amuzing rendition of rainer. i was kind of high...ok maybe not high, but i was happy after class and we went to cheers(twice in my case) and i was just talking non-stop through-out. i'd like to be like that everyday. but realistically speaking its impossible. but thats not going to stop me from trying. mondays, tuesdays, happy days! hahaha

2006-06-29T23:34:00.000+08:00

i've been having this recurring dream. well ok it's not exactly recurring but the gist of the dream is pretty much the same. it's almost like it's the same play, acted out differently. yes, frankly i'd rather not dream the dream....nor do i really know why i have the dream. but it's been going on for more than a week. i have to say, it makes me happy, and if im dreaming it, it's probably for a reason. anyways, i went for the singapore idol result show today. i didn't actually go to see the ppl sing and stuff but i kind of followed my mom around to see what she does. which actually isn't that much but anyways i got to go behind the scenes and everything so that was cool. hmmm so what else happened today....school was normal, kind of boring, video pro is kind of a time waster for me. oh it's friday tmr, thats good cause im getting fed up of waking up early. so thats the end of this post...i have pretty much run out of stuff to talk about. how long will i be sitting,waiting, wishing?

2006-06-29T19:21:00.000+08:00

because im bo liao too.

LAST PERSON...
1. Made you smile?* my skateboard
2. Saw you cry?* hah i don't know. it's been a long long while since i cried
3. Went to the movies with you?* erm family
4. You talked on the phone?* mother
W O U L D. Y O U. R A T H E R?
1. Pierce your nose or tongue?* neither
2. Be serious or be funny?* seriously funny or funnily serious
3. Drink whole or skim milk?* i like to drink the whole thing, not just skim the surface
4. Die in a fire or drown?* by my sword
5. Spend time with your parents or enemies?* the dhammapada says that being with an enemy is the best way to train your compassion.
D O. Y O U. P R E F E R.
1. Flowers or candy?* you know me, im all about food
2. Gray or black?* Blackest black
3. Color or Black and white photos?* black and white
4. Lust or love?* peace. haha, love
5. Sunrise or sunset?* i rarely get to see the sun rise, but it is nice when it does
6. M&Ms or Skittles?* m&ms
7.Staying up late or waking up early?* staying up late
A N S W E R. T R U T H F U L L Y !!
1. Do you like anyone?* yes and no. haha
2. Ever recorded a sexual act on video? *i never understand the people who do
3. Have you taken a picture naked?* nope
4. Do you fall for the wrong guy or girl?* everything happens for a reason. =)
D O. Y O U. P R E F E R..
1. Sun or moon?* either or, both are fun
2. Snickers or Hersheys Chocolate?* depends
3. Left or right?* left, simply because im a lefty and our rights are forgotten. hahaha that was a good pun
4. 10 acquaintances or having two best friends?* anything
5. Sunny or rainy?* rain
6. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?* mood dependant
A B O U T. Y O U!
1. What time is it?* 7.28pm
2. Name?* khwaja hanshen sudderuddin nahasapeemapetilon(ok the last one is fake)
3. Nickname(s):* hans, which i don't happen to like
4. What is your birth date?* 24111987
5. What do you want right this second?* shower, im all sweaty. haha
6. Where do you want to live?* anywhere but here
7. How many kids do you want?* 6.34
U N I Q U E !
1.Can you roll your tounge?* and my eyes too!
O T H E R
1. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?* i don't really like spaghetti, prefer pasta
2. Have you ever eaten Spam?* oddly enough i have a can in the cupboard, but im not a canned meat guy. everything else in a can is good though
3. Favorite ice cream?* anything
4. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet?* 1
5. What's your favorite type of soda?* coke, did you really have to ask?
7. Do you cook?* yes, its whether i do a good job that matters
I N .T H E. L A S T. M O N T H , H A V E.Y O U ?
1. had a crush? yes and no
2. Bought something:* erm....yes
3. Sang:* hahaha yes
5. Been hugged:* i think the last person who hugged me, or rather i hugged was linus
6. Felt stupid:* hmm....not really.
7. Missed someone?:* yesh
8. Danced crazy:* hm.....yes
9. Gotten your hair cut?* no
10. Cried:* don't think so. almost did during yiss but somehow i just suddenly decided not to
11. Lied:* no, <- see i just did it
12. Stole anything?* ermm......not anything physical.

2006-06-28T23:34:00.000+08:00

yawn. for some reason im berry sleepy. anyways what wonderful updates do we have today.....ok thats it. hahaha actually we are (once again) in the process of renaming the band. so if you have any brilliant ideas, please suggest. something not too heavy would be nice. ah now i remember what i wanted to do today. right im probably not making much sense with this entry. haha i can't believe my plan work....though it somewhat backfired. like floyd says, tough. whoopie tmrs another day.